I'm really feeling that making up a nice big batch of Christmas themed somethings would go down a treat right about now, however I am at work and this is not possible. Off I go to day dream about lil' ginger bread men.

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Mosquitos and their bites.
Having to turn the air condition on.
Clean up the garage in the heat and getting hay fever.
Being too hot to go for a run.

Being too hot so that it messed up my day in general.

went to a party tonight. It strikes me as kind of odd. I like staying home, I like reading, I like writing, I like running. I like being alone. There is a strong desire to reject social commitments because there just seems to be so much effort required into making an appearance at a said event. You throw on a dress and find heels to match, but change and end up wearing a skirt because you thought your books looked wonky. You get there too early and end up pouring yourself a drink with the intentions of creating a scene. So yeah, people show up and they seem nice.

People are nice. To your face. These little interconnections just get me thinking. I don't mean friends, friends are people who you make time to see, people who you cut class for, or would promise something to. Other people are just numbers - filling up the room. So you say hi and chat about Christmas presents and DVDs, but really these circles that we move in just spin the other way and there is really nothing between us besides a couple of feet and matching states of commitments.

I don't know if it's an exhaustion to these unimportant to and froms or the actually physical effort required in the transit or even in the preparation; but I really feel that standing around finding things to say with a bunch of people makes me feel even more alone. These things are more or less just formalities. I find something deeply seductive within closed lips, black eyes and silence. You can learn a lot more from what is not being said that that which is plain enough to render in my ears.

Yeah, people are great time fillers, they aid with the age old hobby of procrastination, they are experts at distraction and with a few simple words you're eating chocolate when you said you're on a diet. I guess the point I'm getting at is that it's a pretty empty world if you can't stand to be alone. Perhaps people need other people to represent themselves. Highlight what they fail to convey.

Twenty Things I am Grateful For:

1. Green tea with mint
2. Bikram yoga
3. My friends
4. Understanding class content in Japanese class
5. Sportsgirl Sale
6. Vintage shopping
7. Eating chickpeas with chopsticks
8. Ripping up my French notes
9. Medicare rebate
10. Kopiko
11. Rick Stein's Japan special
12. Murukami's books
13. Teen Vogue emails
14. たこ焼き
15. New Foxtel Channels
16. Going for a swim
17. My Mum picking me up from uni when it stormed
18. Public transport when in runs on time
19. Vicks Vapor Rub
20. 味噌汁,

Yesterday I was tried and spent most of the day in near tears because I am just so nervous about all of this. I just want to curl and forget about all of this stuff that I have to do. I have next to nothing of a job, Qtix aren't looking for anyone (so they said) so I'm stuck on $130 a week, with $50 going to pole and yoga. The rest is going to my holiday in July. I've not been shopping, but I want to be able to by some CDs, books, some clothes on Boxing Day sales. Things are all a bit horrid at the moment due to my stress.

I have my first exam tomorrow. A 5 minute French role play between a journalist and a character from the film we watched in class in which the two debate about their opinions on the Algerian War, torture, terrorism, events etc. Then we get asked a couple of questions. I've learned both scripts off by heart and read over all the sheets were given in class. I've been mock answering questing for practice. I have until 6.30 tomorrow night to study so I really feel quite prepared. I've pulled the short straw in a class with odd numbers so I've had a bit of drama having to double up with someone. I've started studying for my exam for Tuesday week where I need to learn two 300 word letters in French and the content of articles and their context within the film - yay for two part exams.

I feel like I've been a huge glutton today. I had a big mango and some strawberries with ice and water in smoothie for breakfast. For lunch I had a salad with three spoons of cous cous, olives, chick peas, a little bit of beetroot, a piece of halumi and a piece of eggplant. I had the same thing for dinner even though I wasn't super hungry. Although I went for a walk with Mum and the dog for an hour before breakfast and I did a 10km horrid hill run this afternoon, so I figure that I'm still sitting okay considering the food:exercise ration. I just need some one to tell me "You've not over eaten"

Two days in a row my runs have been rained on. It's been interesting. I'm also craking down on my savings. I need $1500 for my trip to Melbourne and my trip to Tibet/Nepal/Singapore in July is $4000 including spending money, all the taxes and accommadation - blah blah. So I stil need to save $2000 by June. Thank goodness my 21st is in March. I feel a contribution to the holiday fund would be a lovely present. I've also saving for a looovely pair of shoes. I'm $350 towards the $850 total, this has all been loose change over the last two  months. I'm going to go buy them on the day of my Birthday.

Wow, so there one big storm coming over us now. It’s pretty exciting as it’s been far too hot of late. Today was a bit of a fail/win. I got up super early and made a lovely banana smoothie. I still hadn’t heard from QUT so after two days of intense nerves, sleepless nights and butterflies in my stomach I called them. So, they are still looking at folios – they ‘hope’ to have interviews out on the 13th and should be starting around the 16th. Oh gosh. I broke down and cried. Every part of my being seemed to explode off my bones and ripped down leaving me with an empty feeling in which everything was thrust outwards. The tears poured down, the air left my lungs and I just cried. I want this badly. I was so worried that I’d missed it.

I went to the State Library and got two hours of study done before I sat in the semi sun and ate my salad with chickpeas and capsicum. I walked all the way to Spring Hill and faxed off my application for Level 2 Japanese. I bought a Coffee Light Frappacino (Dirty consumer) and went to French tutoring. I’m quite prepared for the exam on Monday night, and the exam on the 17th has a finished draft and I will tackle that more when I’ve done this oral. I made a yummy tomato, rocket, chickpea and lemon zest salad and had a cup of Chai. I’ve still got to do a little more study tonight but I’m just feeling super exhausted from stressing.

Melbourne Cup was good. I made Flat Breads and Crema Catalana, Mum maid the main and I did a chickpea dish to go with it. I watched the race, lost $12 and then went to uni to study and Japanese class. This one lady who we’ve been friends with for a long time quizzed me a lot on my weight, how much I’ve lost, what size I am, how much I weigh. It was really quite confronting event though it wasn’t meant to be. I went to my psychologist who is really amazing and awesome (which I never thought I’d say) and commented on the weight I’d lossed, then at the doctors he made a comment on my weight. So slightly confused. I will one day weigh myself!

That’s about it. Lots of French study. When I finish exams I’m planning to up my exercise a lot. 5 Bikram classes, 4 long distance runs and 3 pole sessions. Lots of reading, movies and Japanese immersion. Cannot wait.